The words we use say alot about what we think. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family like birth is. Both of equal importance with neither being more important. I also believe this can relate to stepchildren as well. In the cases of step children I hear negative language all the time when parents talk about their stepchildren as not their own, but their husbands or wives children.
For example,
Positive Language vs. Negative Language
Birth Parent, Real Parent
Birth Child, Own child
Make an adoption plan, give away
Parent; Adoptive Parent
was adopted; is adopted
The improper words tend to invoke negative feelings especially of those in the process like myself who are already on edge. I try to correct people so they better understand and respect the journey of adoption. Problem is this is constantly portrayed in the media as it seems every celebrity is adopting children nowadays. They generally refer to these kids as not their own, and the parents as adopted parents. We have all heard about Angelina and Brad who have twins that are their "own" and other adopted children. It's stupid. I'm sure if you ask them they would say all their children are theirs and they don't treat them or love them differently so why should you? I reached out for their thoughts, but my texts were unreturned.
I'm certainly not suggesting people walk on eggshells around adoptive households as not to say the wrong words. Adoption is something special for the family involved, and the outsiders need to treat the kids no differently than any others. The move towards positive adoption can hopefully transition these terms to the norm.
My advice is simple, treat all kids the same regadless of race, colour or whether they were adopted. If you do feel the need to prey into why a white couple has an asian looking child, it's non of your business. Move on. Pick up a hobby like needlepoint perhaps.
Current update: Waiting.
Saturday, 24 November 2012
Sunday, 18 November 2012
International Adoption
As part of your homestudy you must make decisions on your international adoption. These are documented in your homestudy. The two main things you have to make a decision about is the country and the age.
Country-There are many factors in play when deciding which country to go with. You can go with a country that your family may roots with, a country you visited or a country that has a stable program and you are comfortable with their wait times and requirements. We choose the last option and you I recommend you should too. As you do research you will start to realize, as I am writing this, that there are very few options out there. In fact, I would say there is only 1 good option right now and that's Russia.
I know what you are thinking-Can't I just go to China and get a girl? The answer is yes. Get ready to wait for potentially 7 years. Vietnam - 3 year wait. What about a country that has endured a lot of problems like Haiti - 3 year wait. It's bleak out there. For any country based on the wait times, your baby doesn't even exist right now. It's crazy as I am sure there are plenty of orphanages out there with children, but the countries seem to make things difficult for international adoption. They have issues with foreigners coming in and taking their babies.
Although each country is different, generally these are some of the requirements you will encounter: under 45, married 2+ years, some allow same sex or single parents. The only other program I considered was one in Albania. There wait time is 2-3 years and its a small program. Their program basis is a little different as they make sure you would be someone the country would consider a suitable candidate before they take you on to help. Other programs, you do the work, don't have a glaring issue (ie criminal records) and pay the money, in time you should get a child.
Age - what age do you want? Everyone wants a baby. You are not getting a baby anywhere! Get it out of your head right now. In most countries the child has to be in the system for several months and most places won't allow a child to be adopted until 8 months. Plus, by the time you finish everything and come home, you can add a few more months or several more months to that age. You have to understand what you are willing to live with. Your chancing greatly increase if you are more flexible with age, specifically in Russia they recommend you put up to 2 1/2 - 3 years old. The benefit of having an older kid is they will be more information on their medical history. Kids are resilient, more so than adults. Getting a child that may be older will not necessarily come with all obstacles because of the language and culture barrier when you bring them home to Canada. At first, I wanted a younger kid as much as possible, but I think I would've been more open to an older child. In our training, another couple had a video of him communicating with 3 year olds in Russia. He was waiving and saying hi and the kids were smiling say hi back. Then he said "wow, you guys are smart". One kid responded "Me Smart." The kids seemed very happy and friendly to the Canadian adopting. Made me realize how happy these kids are and receptive they were with a new language.
Once you make these decisions and your homestudy is done you need two canadian approvals. You have to get appproval to adopt a child, and you have to go sponsor your future child through immigration. Then you place your file with the agency, who will then get approval from the country of your choosing.
Current update: still waiting.
Country-There are many factors in play when deciding which country to go with. You can go with a country that your family may roots with, a country you visited or a country that has a stable program and you are comfortable with their wait times and requirements. We choose the last option and you I recommend you should too. As you do research you will start to realize, as I am writing this, that there are very few options out there. In fact, I would say there is only 1 good option right now and that's Russia.
I know what you are thinking-Can't I just go to China and get a girl? The answer is yes. Get ready to wait for potentially 7 years. Vietnam - 3 year wait. What about a country that has endured a lot of problems like Haiti - 3 year wait. It's bleak out there. For any country based on the wait times, your baby doesn't even exist right now. It's crazy as I am sure there are plenty of orphanages out there with children, but the countries seem to make things difficult for international adoption. They have issues with foreigners coming in and taking their babies.
Although each country is different, generally these are some of the requirements you will encounter: under 45, married 2+ years, some allow same sex or single parents. The only other program I considered was one in Albania. There wait time is 2-3 years and its a small program. Their program basis is a little different as they make sure you would be someone the country would consider a suitable candidate before they take you on to help. Other programs, you do the work, don't have a glaring issue (ie criminal records) and pay the money, in time you should get a child.
Age - what age do you want? Everyone wants a baby. You are not getting a baby anywhere! Get it out of your head right now. In most countries the child has to be in the system for several months and most places won't allow a child to be adopted until 8 months. Plus, by the time you finish everything and come home, you can add a few more months or several more months to that age. You have to understand what you are willing to live with. Your chancing greatly increase if you are more flexible with age, specifically in Russia they recommend you put up to 2 1/2 - 3 years old. The benefit of having an older kid is they will be more information on their medical history. Kids are resilient, more so than adults. Getting a child that may be older will not necessarily come with all obstacles because of the language and culture barrier when you bring them home to Canada. At first, I wanted a younger kid as much as possible, but I think I would've been more open to an older child. In our training, another couple had a video of him communicating with 3 year olds in Russia. He was waiving and saying hi and the kids were smiling say hi back. Then he said "wow, you guys are smart". One kid responded "Me Smart." The kids seemed very happy and friendly to the Canadian adopting. Made me realize how happy these kids are and receptive they were with a new language.
Once you make these decisions and your homestudy is done you need two canadian approvals. You have to get appproval to adopt a child, and you have to go sponsor your future child through immigration. Then you place your file with the agency, who will then get approval from the country of your choosing.
Current update: still waiting.
Sunday, 4 November 2012
Baby box in Russia article
Interesting article in the Toronto Metro on Baby boxes. Read below:
http://metronews.ca/news/world/423696/baby-box-opens-in-russia-to-save-abandoned-kids/
I like that the Russian government is doing something to combat what appears to be a problem. As scary as it is to hear about parents leaving their kids, Russians are taking care of their children. Now only if they would make things a little easier for international adoptions.
I fear this article will give those the impression that adoptions from Russia is so easy and they just give away children because they have so many. What this shows to me is that they care. Hopefully other countries will look for similar methods to take care of children. Not everyone should be a parent and that is why so many adoptions happen every year. I am thankful for this.
Enjoy.
http://metronews.ca/news/world/423696/baby-box-opens-in-russia-to-save-abandoned-kids/
I like that the Russian government is doing something to combat what appears to be a problem. As scary as it is to hear about parents leaving their kids, Russians are taking care of their children. Now only if they would make things a little easier for international adoptions.
I fear this article will give those the impression that adoptions from Russia is so easy and they just give away children because they have so many. What this shows to me is that they care. Hopefully other countries will look for similar methods to take care of children. Not everyone should be a parent and that is why so many adoptions happen every year. I am thankful for this.
Enjoy.
Domestic vs. International
One very important decision when you first decide to adopt is where you want to adopt from. You can either adopt domestically which would mean dealing with CAS (Children's Aid Society) or another country. If you choose not to go with CAS, you have many countries to consider, for example, Russia, China, Vietnam, South Africa, various countries in Europe and United States. Although all these countries have adoption programs the waiting times can very from 9 months to 7 years which is the case for China.
For Domestic adoptions, you learn alot about this in your mandatory Pride training which is a prerequisite for completing your homestudy. Since Pride's training format is determined by the government, they do focus on domestic adoptions and foster homes. You as prospective parents have to sell yourself to the birth parents. You do so by creating a book which outlines you and your partners life, consisting of photos of you and your family. So, if they don't like the way you look, too bad. Their first impression is some book with a bunch of your photos. All adoptions with CAS are considered open, very rarely are they not. What that means is that you must commit to maintaining ties with the birth parents. This may include emails updates of the child including recent photos and/or visits with the birth parents and your child. It may also include the birth grandparents. You are legally obligated by a contract to maintain ties throughout your childs life with their birth family. Legally obligated! If someone breaks the rules it can be contested in court and the contract can be reviewed.
So, you create your book telling your story and what relationship you are willing to accept with the birth parents. The birth parents get tons of these books to review based on what criteria they are looking for. They will interview prospective parents and keep narrowing the search down and pick one. Once they decide on the parents, you work on the contract explaining the terms of the relationship. I don't know much more than that. The costs are much lower than international. You don't pay any money to the birth parents directly in Canada.
I had difficulty wrapping my head around having a relationship with the birth parents. I think this would be confusing for a child, especially in their earlier years with them having two sets of parents. And what if you don't get along with them? What do you do? Your contract states what you must visit/email/whatever and if you don't the birth parents can bring this up in court. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night worrying about this. Luckily, my wife and I both felt this way and never considered this a viable option. In PRIDE training, I spoke up about this stating this seems like a difficult situation. They sold it like it was an extension of your family. I thought to myself, no, that's wrong. I am not legally entitled to talk to my family if I don't want to. This is forcing the birth parents into your life whether you like it or not. If you disagree and act accordingly, you can potentially lose your rights and their time with your child may increase. Ugh, sound like a mess. I don't mean to play this down as they are many children locally that do require homes, but it's not for me.
I will talk more about international adoptions next time. Each country is vastly different. Some countries may require you to stay there for a month or several months, some you only need to visit once or three times. Countries usually have rules for prospective parents, for example, parents must be married over two years, no same sex couples, couples must be below 45, and etc. The funniest one is that prospective parents must be within a certain BMI range. No two countries are the same.
Current Update: Nothing new, still waiting for proposal of child.
For Domestic adoptions, you learn alot about this in your mandatory Pride training which is a prerequisite for completing your homestudy. Since Pride's training format is determined by the government, they do focus on domestic adoptions and foster homes. You as prospective parents have to sell yourself to the birth parents. You do so by creating a book which outlines you and your partners life, consisting of photos of you and your family. So, if they don't like the way you look, too bad. Their first impression is some book with a bunch of your photos. All adoptions with CAS are considered open, very rarely are they not. What that means is that you must commit to maintaining ties with the birth parents. This may include emails updates of the child including recent photos and/or visits with the birth parents and your child. It may also include the birth grandparents. You are legally obligated by a contract to maintain ties throughout your childs life with their birth family. Legally obligated! If someone breaks the rules it can be contested in court and the contract can be reviewed.
So, you create your book telling your story and what relationship you are willing to accept with the birth parents. The birth parents get tons of these books to review based on what criteria they are looking for. They will interview prospective parents and keep narrowing the search down and pick one. Once they decide on the parents, you work on the contract explaining the terms of the relationship. I don't know much more than that. The costs are much lower than international. You don't pay any money to the birth parents directly in Canada.
I had difficulty wrapping my head around having a relationship with the birth parents. I think this would be confusing for a child, especially in their earlier years with them having two sets of parents. And what if you don't get along with them? What do you do? Your contract states what you must visit/email/whatever and if you don't the birth parents can bring this up in court. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night worrying about this. Luckily, my wife and I both felt this way and never considered this a viable option. In PRIDE training, I spoke up about this stating this seems like a difficult situation. They sold it like it was an extension of your family. I thought to myself, no, that's wrong. I am not legally entitled to talk to my family if I don't want to. This is forcing the birth parents into your life whether you like it or not. If you disagree and act accordingly, you can potentially lose your rights and their time with your child may increase. Ugh, sound like a mess. I don't mean to play this down as they are many children locally that do require homes, but it's not for me.
I will talk more about international adoptions next time. Each country is vastly different. Some countries may require you to stay there for a month or several months, some you only need to visit once or three times. Countries usually have rules for prospective parents, for example, parents must be married over two years, no same sex couples, couples must be below 45, and etc. The funniest one is that prospective parents must be within a certain BMI range. No two countries are the same.
Current Update: Nothing new, still waiting for proposal of child.
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