http://healthland.time.com/2012/12/28/russias-adoption-politics-defeated-families-caught-in-a-diplomatic-tailspin/
Kind of freaking out. This happened quickly and it's effective now. No regard for those in process or even those who met their child. Very sad as 46 families are now having to deal with the fact they will never see their child again.
Friday, 28 December 2012
Friday, 21 December 2012
No more Americans to adopt in Russia? Article
This article freaked my wife out. We instantly thought how will this affect us. Is Canada next?
The ups and downs of the process of adoption. One little article can just set you off into a bad mood.
The ups and downs of the process of adoption. One little article can just set you off into a bad mood.
http://m.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/russia-advances-law-to-ban-us-adoptions/2012/12/19/a0279238-49f4-11e2-ad54-580638ede391_story.html
Current update: waiting
Saturday, 15 December 2012
The light?
Whenever you are patiently waiting for something very important especially something that is difficult, people like to say "you can see the light at the end of the tunnel". They use it as a pep talk to get you motivated because you are so close. I even started saying it myself. I would alter it by saying I see a flicker. Well, I don't feel that way. I don't feel this way because I don't know what's at the end of the tunnel. I know there is a child, but I don't know how old they are, what colour their hair is, what they look like, hell, I don't even know the gender.
Why I am really not starting to feel this way also is because adoption doesn't come with set time frames. Everything is an estimation or average time. Really, it's an educated guess. You have to take into fact the governing laws of two countries. You have to get approvals first in Canada, before getting those in Russia. So, if the canadian government loses your file , which they did in our case, there's a delay. Plus, this is the government, they take their time. Things go slowly, people take time off and things don't get done over the holidays, etc etc.
Where I sit right now, I was initially told we would get a proposal within 6 months which is basically over the holidays and into the Russian Holidays. (Note: Russians celebrate New year during the beginning of January, length of time depending on religion and the extent one celebrates). So It should be any day, so there is that light again, right? However, things tend to change in the adoption world. Let's call them hiccups. Our agency has closed for the year 2013 for the first time ever to any new prospective parents. Why? They are busy helping those who are already in the process. That would be me. After analyzing the shit out of this new knowledge, the light is gone. What if it takes all year to get finished with this adoption? From proposal to coming home with your child is 4 months. So, based on the time frames given April/May we are done. Yet the agency is not accepting anybody new the while year! Hmm..
What make this more difficult is that we met a couple who are in Russia already with their child. They are done the process. They are on their way home with their child. Their light is bright, they are thrilled and they deserve it. They are wonderful people. They started the process slightly before us and they are done. Although I am happy for them I am very jealous. They whipped through the process in my eyes, saw the light quickly and just focused on that. They had the photos and videos to carry them through the 4 months till they were able to come as a new family. I have nothing. I sit here wondering what my child is doing. What's he playing with. Is he a picky eater? Is it a he even. No light.
Yes I am being impatient, and yes I shouldn't be upset that people are trying to keep me motivated. Ssometimes I just don't want it. Sometimes the best thing you can do is say nothing and don't bring it up. I am thrilled I am adopting, but this part is really tough. The uncertainty, the waiting, the wondering.
Current update: after reading this you should know.
Why I am really not starting to feel this way also is because adoption doesn't come with set time frames. Everything is an estimation or average time. Really, it's an educated guess. You have to take into fact the governing laws of two countries. You have to get approvals first in Canada, before getting those in Russia. So, if the canadian government loses your file , which they did in our case, there's a delay. Plus, this is the government, they take their time. Things go slowly, people take time off and things don't get done over the holidays, etc etc.
Where I sit right now, I was initially told we would get a proposal within 6 months which is basically over the holidays and into the Russian Holidays. (Note: Russians celebrate New year during the beginning of January, length of time depending on religion and the extent one celebrates). So It should be any day, so there is that light again, right? However, things tend to change in the adoption world. Let's call them hiccups. Our agency has closed for the year 2013 for the first time ever to any new prospective parents. Why? They are busy helping those who are already in the process. That would be me. After analyzing the shit out of this new knowledge, the light is gone. What if it takes all year to get finished with this adoption? From proposal to coming home with your child is 4 months. So, based on the time frames given April/May we are done. Yet the agency is not accepting anybody new the while year! Hmm..
What make this more difficult is that we met a couple who are in Russia already with their child. They are done the process. They are on their way home with their child. Their light is bright, they are thrilled and they deserve it. They are wonderful people. They started the process slightly before us and they are done. Although I am happy for them I am very jealous. They whipped through the process in my eyes, saw the light quickly and just focused on that. They had the photos and videos to carry them through the 4 months till they were able to come as a new family. I have nothing. I sit here wondering what my child is doing. What's he playing with. Is he a picky eater? Is it a he even. No light.
Yes I am being impatient, and yes I shouldn't be upset that people are trying to keep me motivated. Ssometimes I just don't want it. Sometimes the best thing you can do is say nothing and don't bring it up. I am thrilled I am adopting, but this part is really tough. The uncertainty, the waiting, the wondering.
Current update: after reading this you should know.
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Pride Training
This is a requirement of your homestudy. You spend 4 full days learning about adoption. Since it's a government program the content is controlled. There is a lot of focus on fostering and ontario adoptions which may seem a waste for someone adopting internationally. Having said this, Overall I found this training still very useful.
The useful factors I never even considered was regarding building attachment with your child and also dealing with comments from other people. To build attachment you have to build a relationship with this child by being there for your child. When they cry at night go comfort them, hold their hand while walking, go to them when they fall, hug them, lots of one-on-one time. The child has to learn you are their parents and you are there for them when they need something.
People's comments. This is the craziest part. I touched upon this before with positive adoption language. You will deal with stupid comments from people. Not only will you as adoptive parents, but so will your child. Your child may come home one day and say "suzie at school told me you're not my real parents" or a relative saying "you can't love an adopted child like a biological one". Yes it happens. Our trainers, who were all adopted parents shared examples of how this has happened in their lives. I am not surprised. Just going through the adoption process I have been asked stupid questions so it's good to be prepared to deal with stupid people. Everyone has an opinion and adoption is no different.
The training is very interactive. You sit at round tables with other couples and single parents. You work on questions as a table, you role play, watch videos, hear personal stories from the trainers. It keeps you engaged by changing things up. It is a drag to lose two weekends, but you get through it. The training was very organized and the trainers were all very good. Lots of personal stories, lots of time to ask questions and lots of interaction with others taking the class. That may be a key part of the class. Hearing others that have struggled their way towards adoptions. You see it all. People adopting relatives, adopting domestically, internationally, same sex couples, single moms and even a single dad. I was rooting for the single dad. It's unfortunate he seemed really creepy and wore track suites to training.
It tends to take a more worst case scenario spin and doesn't spoon food you all the good stuff about adoption. I think some people may not be able to handle this, but I found it important. I don't need to hear how great everything will be, I need to prepare myself for potential obstacles. The videos are dated and alsmot comically by the actors attire. It may need a bit of a refresh, but the learnign is still valuable.
Here's a link to the training
https://secure.adoptontario.ca/pride.main.aspx
Current update: Waiting.
The useful factors I never even considered was regarding building attachment with your child and also dealing with comments from other people. To build attachment you have to build a relationship with this child by being there for your child. When they cry at night go comfort them, hold their hand while walking, go to them when they fall, hug them, lots of one-on-one time. The child has to learn you are their parents and you are there for them when they need something.
People's comments. This is the craziest part. I touched upon this before with positive adoption language. You will deal with stupid comments from people. Not only will you as adoptive parents, but so will your child. Your child may come home one day and say "suzie at school told me you're not my real parents" or a relative saying "you can't love an adopted child like a biological one". Yes it happens. Our trainers, who were all adopted parents shared examples of how this has happened in their lives. I am not surprised. Just going through the adoption process I have been asked stupid questions so it's good to be prepared to deal with stupid people. Everyone has an opinion and adoption is no different.
The training is very interactive. You sit at round tables with other couples and single parents. You work on questions as a table, you role play, watch videos, hear personal stories from the trainers. It keeps you engaged by changing things up. It is a drag to lose two weekends, but you get through it. The training was very organized and the trainers were all very good. Lots of personal stories, lots of time to ask questions and lots of interaction with others taking the class. That may be a key part of the class. Hearing others that have struggled their way towards adoptions. You see it all. People adopting relatives, adopting domestically, internationally, same sex couples, single moms and even a single dad. I was rooting for the single dad. It's unfortunate he seemed really creepy and wore track suites to training.
It tends to take a more worst case scenario spin and doesn't spoon food you all the good stuff about adoption. I think some people may not be able to handle this, but I found it important. I don't need to hear how great everything will be, I need to prepare myself for potential obstacles. The videos are dated and alsmot comically by the actors attire. It may need a bit of a refresh, but the learnign is still valuable.
Here's a link to the training
https://secure.adoptontario.ca/pride.main.aspx
Current update: Waiting.
Saturday, 1 December 2012
American article on Russian Adoptions
A little history on Americans adopting in Russian. Look for the numbers 17 and 700,000. Horrible!!
http://adoption.about.com/od/international/i/adoptrussiaprob.htm
http://adoption.about.com/od/international/i/adoptrussiaprob.htm
International adoption stats
These are the stats from 2010 of International adoptions from Canadians as taken from http://www.adoption.ca/adoption-news?news_id=56
This looks encouraging right? But this is for 2010 and there are no 2011 published numbers. During our pride training, early on in the process we saw this exact same chart. We instantly thought China or Vietnam. Makes sense. We were told China is pretty much closed. Although you can adopt sick children and maybe wait 5 years. Umm.no. Haiti programs allowed for adoptions for older children, 4 years and older only.
Our social worker was really on us about the US, specifically Florida. So we listened to what she had to say about it. During our conversation I specifically asked "do the birth parents get money?" I was told "You help them get on their feet". I asked what that meant. I was told "Money for rent and living expenses". I quickly decided that was out. I just can't handle that. I'm not paying someone off to take their child. So many things wrong with this.
Next on the list, Vietnam. We actually strongly considered this, but again the problem was the wait. We were told potentially 2-3 years. As we digested that we researched Russia. We were told approximately 8 month wait. What?! When we heard that we liked that. Also we learned because of how large the country is there are many regions doing adoptions on a consistent basis and have been doing so for years. I was fully on board at that point and haven't looked back.
I bet these stats will change for 2012. I think the overall number will drop alot and Russia will be at the top. Having said that, living in Ontario I don't know how it works in other provinces. Maybe in BC it is radically different. I think I just maybe implied there are lots of Chinese people in BC. Sorry.
Current Update: Still waiting
International Adoptions to Canada
Top 29 source countries in 2010
This looks encouraging right? But this is for 2010 and there are no 2011 published numbers. During our pride training, early on in the process we saw this exact same chart. We instantly thought China or Vietnam. Makes sense. We were told China is pretty much closed. Although you can adopt sick children and maybe wait 5 years. Umm.no. Haiti programs allowed for adoptions for older children, 4 years and older only.
Our social worker was really on us about the US, specifically Florida. So we listened to what she had to say about it. During our conversation I specifically asked "do the birth parents get money?" I was told "You help them get on their feet". I asked what that meant. I was told "Money for rent and living expenses". I quickly decided that was out. I just can't handle that. I'm not paying someone off to take their child. So many things wrong with this.
Next on the list, Vietnam. We actually strongly considered this, but again the problem was the wait. We were told potentially 2-3 years. As we digested that we researched Russia. We were told approximately 8 month wait. What?! When we heard that we liked that. Also we learned because of how large the country is there are many regions doing adoptions on a consistent basis and have been doing so for years. I was fully on board at that point and haven't looked back.
I bet these stats will change for 2012. I think the overall number will drop alot and Russia will be at the top. Having said that, living in Ontario I don't know how it works in other provinces. Maybe in BC it is radically different. I think I just maybe implied there are lots of Chinese people in BC. Sorry.
Current Update: Still waiting
International Adoptions to Canada
Top 29 source countries in 2010
| 2010 | |
| China | 472 |
| Haiti | 172 |
| U.S. | 148 |
| Vietnam | 139 |
| Russia | 102 |
| South Korea | 98 |
| Philippines | 88 |
| Ethiopia | 63 |
| Colombia | 62 |
| India | 55 |
| Kazakhstan | 48 |
| Ukraine | 46 |
| Pakistan | 27 |
| Thailand | 23 |
| Jamaica | 18 |
| U.K. | 18 |
| Taiwan | 16 |
| South Africa | 13 |
| Lesotho | 12 |
| Mexico | 12 |
| Uganda | 10 |
| Mali | 7 |
| D.R. Congo | 6 |
| Bulgaria | 5 |
| Ghana | 5 |
| Iran | 5 |
| Kenya | 5 |
| Peru | 5 |
| Swaziland | 5 |
| All countries | 1,946 |
Saturday, 24 November 2012
What is positive adoption language?
The words we use say alot about what we think. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family like birth is. Both of equal importance with neither being more important. I also believe this can relate to stepchildren as well. In the cases of step children I hear negative language all the time when parents talk about their stepchildren as not their own, but their husbands or wives children.
For example,
Positive Language vs. Negative Language
Birth Parent, Real Parent
Birth Child, Own child
Make an adoption plan, give away
Parent; Adoptive Parent
was adopted; is adopted
The improper words tend to invoke negative feelings especially of those in the process like myself who are already on edge. I try to correct people so they better understand and respect the journey of adoption. Problem is this is constantly portrayed in the media as it seems every celebrity is adopting children nowadays. They generally refer to these kids as not their own, and the parents as adopted parents. We have all heard about Angelina and Brad who have twins that are their "own" and other adopted children. It's stupid. I'm sure if you ask them they would say all their children are theirs and they don't treat them or love them differently so why should you? I reached out for their thoughts, but my texts were unreturned.
I'm certainly not suggesting people walk on eggshells around adoptive households as not to say the wrong words. Adoption is something special for the family involved, and the outsiders need to treat the kids no differently than any others. The move towards positive adoption can hopefully transition these terms to the norm.
My advice is simple, treat all kids the same regadless of race, colour or whether they were adopted. If you do feel the need to prey into why a white couple has an asian looking child, it's non of your business. Move on. Pick up a hobby like needlepoint perhaps.
Current update: Waiting.
For example,
Positive Language vs. Negative Language
Birth Parent, Real Parent
Birth Child, Own child
Make an adoption plan, give away
Parent; Adoptive Parent
was adopted; is adopted
The improper words tend to invoke negative feelings especially of those in the process like myself who are already on edge. I try to correct people so they better understand and respect the journey of adoption. Problem is this is constantly portrayed in the media as it seems every celebrity is adopting children nowadays. They generally refer to these kids as not their own, and the parents as adopted parents. We have all heard about Angelina and Brad who have twins that are their "own" and other adopted children. It's stupid. I'm sure if you ask them they would say all their children are theirs and they don't treat them or love them differently so why should you? I reached out for their thoughts, but my texts were unreturned.
I'm certainly not suggesting people walk on eggshells around adoptive households as not to say the wrong words. Adoption is something special for the family involved, and the outsiders need to treat the kids no differently than any others. The move towards positive adoption can hopefully transition these terms to the norm.
My advice is simple, treat all kids the same regadless of race, colour or whether they were adopted. If you do feel the need to prey into why a white couple has an asian looking child, it's non of your business. Move on. Pick up a hobby like needlepoint perhaps.
Current update: Waiting.
Sunday, 18 November 2012
International Adoption
As part of your homestudy you must make decisions on your international adoption. These are documented in your homestudy. The two main things you have to make a decision about is the country and the age.
Country-There are many factors in play when deciding which country to go with. You can go with a country that your family may roots with, a country you visited or a country that has a stable program and you are comfortable with their wait times and requirements. We choose the last option and you I recommend you should too. As you do research you will start to realize, as I am writing this, that there are very few options out there. In fact, I would say there is only 1 good option right now and that's Russia.
I know what you are thinking-Can't I just go to China and get a girl? The answer is yes. Get ready to wait for potentially 7 years. Vietnam - 3 year wait. What about a country that has endured a lot of problems like Haiti - 3 year wait. It's bleak out there. For any country based on the wait times, your baby doesn't even exist right now. It's crazy as I am sure there are plenty of orphanages out there with children, but the countries seem to make things difficult for international adoption. They have issues with foreigners coming in and taking their babies.
Although each country is different, generally these are some of the requirements you will encounter: under 45, married 2+ years, some allow same sex or single parents. The only other program I considered was one in Albania. There wait time is 2-3 years and its a small program. Their program basis is a little different as they make sure you would be someone the country would consider a suitable candidate before they take you on to help. Other programs, you do the work, don't have a glaring issue (ie criminal records) and pay the money, in time you should get a child.
Age - what age do you want? Everyone wants a baby. You are not getting a baby anywhere! Get it out of your head right now. In most countries the child has to be in the system for several months and most places won't allow a child to be adopted until 8 months. Plus, by the time you finish everything and come home, you can add a few more months or several more months to that age. You have to understand what you are willing to live with. Your chancing greatly increase if you are more flexible with age, specifically in Russia they recommend you put up to 2 1/2 - 3 years old. The benefit of having an older kid is they will be more information on their medical history. Kids are resilient, more so than adults. Getting a child that may be older will not necessarily come with all obstacles because of the language and culture barrier when you bring them home to Canada. At first, I wanted a younger kid as much as possible, but I think I would've been more open to an older child. In our training, another couple had a video of him communicating with 3 year olds in Russia. He was waiving and saying hi and the kids were smiling say hi back. Then he said "wow, you guys are smart". One kid responded "Me Smart." The kids seemed very happy and friendly to the Canadian adopting. Made me realize how happy these kids are and receptive they were with a new language.
Once you make these decisions and your homestudy is done you need two canadian approvals. You have to get appproval to adopt a child, and you have to go sponsor your future child through immigration. Then you place your file with the agency, who will then get approval from the country of your choosing.
Current update: still waiting.
Country-There are many factors in play when deciding which country to go with. You can go with a country that your family may roots with, a country you visited or a country that has a stable program and you are comfortable with their wait times and requirements. We choose the last option and you I recommend you should too. As you do research you will start to realize, as I am writing this, that there are very few options out there. In fact, I would say there is only 1 good option right now and that's Russia.
I know what you are thinking-Can't I just go to China and get a girl? The answer is yes. Get ready to wait for potentially 7 years. Vietnam - 3 year wait. What about a country that has endured a lot of problems like Haiti - 3 year wait. It's bleak out there. For any country based on the wait times, your baby doesn't even exist right now. It's crazy as I am sure there are plenty of orphanages out there with children, but the countries seem to make things difficult for international adoption. They have issues with foreigners coming in and taking their babies.
Although each country is different, generally these are some of the requirements you will encounter: under 45, married 2+ years, some allow same sex or single parents. The only other program I considered was one in Albania. There wait time is 2-3 years and its a small program. Their program basis is a little different as they make sure you would be someone the country would consider a suitable candidate before they take you on to help. Other programs, you do the work, don't have a glaring issue (ie criminal records) and pay the money, in time you should get a child.
Age - what age do you want? Everyone wants a baby. You are not getting a baby anywhere! Get it out of your head right now. In most countries the child has to be in the system for several months and most places won't allow a child to be adopted until 8 months. Plus, by the time you finish everything and come home, you can add a few more months or several more months to that age. You have to understand what you are willing to live with. Your chancing greatly increase if you are more flexible with age, specifically in Russia they recommend you put up to 2 1/2 - 3 years old. The benefit of having an older kid is they will be more information on their medical history. Kids are resilient, more so than adults. Getting a child that may be older will not necessarily come with all obstacles because of the language and culture barrier when you bring them home to Canada. At first, I wanted a younger kid as much as possible, but I think I would've been more open to an older child. In our training, another couple had a video of him communicating with 3 year olds in Russia. He was waiving and saying hi and the kids were smiling say hi back. Then he said "wow, you guys are smart". One kid responded "Me Smart." The kids seemed very happy and friendly to the Canadian adopting. Made me realize how happy these kids are and receptive they were with a new language.
Once you make these decisions and your homestudy is done you need two canadian approvals. You have to get appproval to adopt a child, and you have to go sponsor your future child through immigration. Then you place your file with the agency, who will then get approval from the country of your choosing.
Current update: still waiting.
Sunday, 4 November 2012
Baby box in Russia article
Interesting article in the Toronto Metro on Baby boxes. Read below:
http://metronews.ca/news/world/423696/baby-box-opens-in-russia-to-save-abandoned-kids/
I like that the Russian government is doing something to combat what appears to be a problem. As scary as it is to hear about parents leaving their kids, Russians are taking care of their children. Now only if they would make things a little easier for international adoptions.
I fear this article will give those the impression that adoptions from Russia is so easy and they just give away children because they have so many. What this shows to me is that they care. Hopefully other countries will look for similar methods to take care of children. Not everyone should be a parent and that is why so many adoptions happen every year. I am thankful for this.
Enjoy.
http://metronews.ca/news/world/423696/baby-box-opens-in-russia-to-save-abandoned-kids/
I like that the Russian government is doing something to combat what appears to be a problem. As scary as it is to hear about parents leaving their kids, Russians are taking care of their children. Now only if they would make things a little easier for international adoptions.
I fear this article will give those the impression that adoptions from Russia is so easy and they just give away children because they have so many. What this shows to me is that they care. Hopefully other countries will look for similar methods to take care of children. Not everyone should be a parent and that is why so many adoptions happen every year. I am thankful for this.
Enjoy.
Domestic vs. International
One very important decision when you first decide to adopt is where you want to adopt from. You can either adopt domestically which would mean dealing with CAS (Children's Aid Society) or another country. If you choose not to go with CAS, you have many countries to consider, for example, Russia, China, Vietnam, South Africa, various countries in Europe and United States. Although all these countries have adoption programs the waiting times can very from 9 months to 7 years which is the case for China.
For Domestic adoptions, you learn alot about this in your mandatory Pride training which is a prerequisite for completing your homestudy. Since Pride's training format is determined by the government, they do focus on domestic adoptions and foster homes. You as prospective parents have to sell yourself to the birth parents. You do so by creating a book which outlines you and your partners life, consisting of photos of you and your family. So, if they don't like the way you look, too bad. Their first impression is some book with a bunch of your photos. All adoptions with CAS are considered open, very rarely are they not. What that means is that you must commit to maintaining ties with the birth parents. This may include emails updates of the child including recent photos and/or visits with the birth parents and your child. It may also include the birth grandparents. You are legally obligated by a contract to maintain ties throughout your childs life with their birth family. Legally obligated! If someone breaks the rules it can be contested in court and the contract can be reviewed.
So, you create your book telling your story and what relationship you are willing to accept with the birth parents. The birth parents get tons of these books to review based on what criteria they are looking for. They will interview prospective parents and keep narrowing the search down and pick one. Once they decide on the parents, you work on the contract explaining the terms of the relationship. I don't know much more than that. The costs are much lower than international. You don't pay any money to the birth parents directly in Canada.
I had difficulty wrapping my head around having a relationship with the birth parents. I think this would be confusing for a child, especially in their earlier years with them having two sets of parents. And what if you don't get along with them? What do you do? Your contract states what you must visit/email/whatever and if you don't the birth parents can bring this up in court. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night worrying about this. Luckily, my wife and I both felt this way and never considered this a viable option. In PRIDE training, I spoke up about this stating this seems like a difficult situation. They sold it like it was an extension of your family. I thought to myself, no, that's wrong. I am not legally entitled to talk to my family if I don't want to. This is forcing the birth parents into your life whether you like it or not. If you disagree and act accordingly, you can potentially lose your rights and their time with your child may increase. Ugh, sound like a mess. I don't mean to play this down as they are many children locally that do require homes, but it's not for me.
I will talk more about international adoptions next time. Each country is vastly different. Some countries may require you to stay there for a month or several months, some you only need to visit once or three times. Countries usually have rules for prospective parents, for example, parents must be married over two years, no same sex couples, couples must be below 45, and etc. The funniest one is that prospective parents must be within a certain BMI range. No two countries are the same.
Current Update: Nothing new, still waiting for proposal of child.
For Domestic adoptions, you learn alot about this in your mandatory Pride training which is a prerequisite for completing your homestudy. Since Pride's training format is determined by the government, they do focus on domestic adoptions and foster homes. You as prospective parents have to sell yourself to the birth parents. You do so by creating a book which outlines you and your partners life, consisting of photos of you and your family. So, if they don't like the way you look, too bad. Their first impression is some book with a bunch of your photos. All adoptions with CAS are considered open, very rarely are they not. What that means is that you must commit to maintaining ties with the birth parents. This may include emails updates of the child including recent photos and/or visits with the birth parents and your child. It may also include the birth grandparents. You are legally obligated by a contract to maintain ties throughout your childs life with their birth family. Legally obligated! If someone breaks the rules it can be contested in court and the contract can be reviewed.
So, you create your book telling your story and what relationship you are willing to accept with the birth parents. The birth parents get tons of these books to review based on what criteria they are looking for. They will interview prospective parents and keep narrowing the search down and pick one. Once they decide on the parents, you work on the contract explaining the terms of the relationship. I don't know much more than that. The costs are much lower than international. You don't pay any money to the birth parents directly in Canada.
I had difficulty wrapping my head around having a relationship with the birth parents. I think this would be confusing for a child, especially in their earlier years with them having two sets of parents. And what if you don't get along with them? What do you do? Your contract states what you must visit/email/whatever and if you don't the birth parents can bring this up in court. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night worrying about this. Luckily, my wife and I both felt this way and never considered this a viable option. In PRIDE training, I spoke up about this stating this seems like a difficult situation. They sold it like it was an extension of your family. I thought to myself, no, that's wrong. I am not legally entitled to talk to my family if I don't want to. This is forcing the birth parents into your life whether you like it or not. If you disagree and act accordingly, you can potentially lose your rights and their time with your child may increase. Ugh, sound like a mess. I don't mean to play this down as they are many children locally that do require homes, but it's not for me.
I will talk more about international adoptions next time. Each country is vastly different. Some countries may require you to stay there for a month or several months, some you only need to visit once or three times. Countries usually have rules for prospective parents, for example, parents must be married over two years, no same sex couples, couples must be below 45, and etc. The funniest one is that prospective parents must be within a certain BMI range. No two countries are the same.
Current Update: Nothing new, still waiting for proposal of child.
Monday, 29 October 2012
The beginning
Why the fuck am I writing a blog? I'm not a good writer nor do I have good grammer. But, I do have something to say. Actually I have lots to say. For many months I was debating whether I wanted to start a blog or some type of journal as a way to get things off my chest and detailing my path. My path of adopting a child internationally. I also may decide to share this with others who want to adopt and this can serve to be informative so they know what to expect. I think I will wait till the masses know about this blog. For now, it's just me.
So, let's start at the beginning. After some stuggles and much time of consideration, my wife and I decided to go down the path of adopting a child. When we put our minds to something, we go balls out. We are very determined and stubborn. Qualities I think you need for this. Initially you think it can't be that hard, especially as you are flooded with celebrity stores of how all of a sudden they have a kid from some country. Well, that's not quite how it works. Maybe it's different in America, but in Canada the government has to approve you first.
It was hard to wrap my head around having the government determine if I can be a parent. I mean, people get pregnant all the time and have kids. And I see some of those crappy parents who yell and scream at their kids out in public. Those people didn't get approved. I hate those people. To say it's hard to look at others when you are doing all this work to adopt is an under statement. I just have to bite my tongue and carry one. In fact, biting your tonque is an important lesson in this process. Pick your battles. I'm sure it gets easier with time, but until you see the light at the end of the adoption path (ie. meeting your child) it's difficult. By my tone you can tell that I'm not there yet.
Ok where were we. Getting approved. First step- doing a homestudy. This is where you hire an approved social worker to poke and prode into your personal life, ie how you were raised, what your parents are like, what do you and your partner do for fun, etc etc. You do multiple interviews, around 5, some with your partner, some without and one at your home where they examine if your house is good enough. Maybe not quite like that, but felt that way. Like trying to play up your house to a snobby family member or friend. It's simply a way for them to paint a picture of your life to document. This document, along with 25+ hours of classroom training called pride makes up the majority of your home study. Stacks of stacks of papers are to be filled out about your your medical, financial and personal details. Obviously, you don't need to tell them everything, like when you used to sneak out of your house at 16 to drink or the spanking. Sorry mom & dad.
Moving on as this is boring me. Pride training is in class training for two full weekends to open the door of adoption. They focused on the difficulties of what you can deal with. It's was very blunt and direct. I think Pride deserves it's own blog as it may prove to be most interesting. One topic was dealing with stupid questions like when people say " so why did his/her real parents give them up?" or the one I heard from a co-worker "so your wife can't conceive?". Moving on, this is about adoption and nothing else. Stay tuned for pride training blog.
All I described above is mandatory by our government.
I think I am done for now. I wonder who will read this?
Current update Oct 29, 2012: got all approvals including russia, been waiting 3 months for a proposal of a child.
Thanks for listening, pardon the grammar.
R
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