The light?

Whenever you are patiently waiting for something very important especially something that is difficult, people like to say "you can see the light at the end of the tunnel".  They use it as a pep talk to get you motivated because you are so close.  I even started saying it myself.  I would alter it by saying I see a flicker.  Well, I don't feel that way.  I don't feel this way because I don't know what's at the end of the tunnel.  I know there is a child, but I don't know how old they are, what colour their hair is, what they look like, hell, I don't even know the gender. 

Why I am really not starting to feel this way also is because adoption doesn't come with set time frames.  Everything is an estimation or average time.  Really, it's an educated guess.  You have to take into fact the governing laws of two countries.  You have to get approvals first in Canada, before getting those in Russia.  So, if the canadian government loses your file , which they did in our case, there's a delay.  Plus, this is the government, they take their time.  Things go slowly, people take time off and things don't get done over the holidays, etc etc.

Where I sit right now, I was initially told we would get a proposal within 6 months which is basically over the holidays and into the Russian Holidays.  (Note: Russians celebrate New year during the beginning of January, length of time depending on religion and the extent one celebrates).  So It should be any day, so there is that light again, right?  However, things tend to change in the adoption world.  Let's call them hiccups.  Our agency has closed for the year 2013 for the first time ever to any new prospective parents.  Why?  They are busy helping those who are already in the process.  That would be me.  After analyzing the shit out of this new knowledge, the light is gone.  What if it takes all year to get finished with this adoption?  From proposal to coming home with your child is 4 months.  So, based on the time frames given April/May we are done.  Yet the agency is not accepting anybody new the while year!  Hmm..

What make this more difficult is that we met a couple who are in Russia already with their child.  They are done the process.  They are on their way home with their child.  Their light is bright, they are thrilled and they deserve it.  They are wonderful people.  They started the process slightly before us and they are done.  Although I am happy for them I am very jealous.  They whipped through the process in my eyes, saw the light quickly and just focused on that.  They had the photos and videos to carry them through the 4 months till they were able to come as a new family.  I have nothing.  I sit here wondering what my child is doing.  What's he playing with.  Is he a picky eater?  Is it a he even.  No light.

Yes I am being impatient, and yes I shouldn't be upset that people are trying to keep me motivated.  Ssometimes I just don't want it.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is say nothing and don't bring it up.  I am thrilled I am adopting, but this part is really tough.  The uncertainty, the waiting, the wondering. 

Current update:  after reading this you should know.